He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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