He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
