YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
