sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
