I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
