Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
