Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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