I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
