My room smells like vodka and shame
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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