this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
