Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize