I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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