My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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