i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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