You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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