Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
