He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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