guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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