i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
