You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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