I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
