Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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