Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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