there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So squirting runs in the family.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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