it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
