There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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