so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Randomize
