I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
