Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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