So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
