I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
