I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
