you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
