the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
