R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
