How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
