i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Someone shattered a urinal.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
