So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
