and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize