Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
