I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
