sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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