Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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