I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize