Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I stole a fireplace last night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
