So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
