my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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