She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
