We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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