so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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