Pappa wants mamma naked
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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