I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Acid is not a monday night drug
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
