when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
