Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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