I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
