she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
