How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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