I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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