I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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