she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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