i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Princesses don't give blow jobs
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
