Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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