you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
