So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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