i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
