Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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