I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
