Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize