A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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