I showed him my bush... on skype.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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