watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
