I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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